I told Bentley not to do it

I’M scared of donkeys now. Sure, they’re lovely creatures and all, and they look nice and make funny noises, but I honestly do believe that they are man-eaters.

You can forget tigers, lions, polar bears, sharks, alligators and even that deadly rabbit in Monty Python’s Holy Grail. You know? The one that beheaded many Knights of the Round Table, before forcing them to ‘run away’ with great haste.

As I was saying, they are deadly, and perhaps the worst place to discover this is on a remote island off the West coast of Connemara, Ireland.

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I’m not making a fuss or anything, and haven’t mentioned the incident to anyone at all, but all I wanted to do was give him some grass and he sniffed my fingers before placing his chops round them; I honestly believed I was going to lose, or at the very least break, my fingers.

Luckily, I didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t be typing here and I would have had a very awkward conversation in hospital.

But I will stay clear of donkeys from now on, just in case they decide to do more than make my hand numb for a day or two, and I would advise you too that if you happen to be on Inishbofin and a donkey looks hungry, offer it a carrot on the end of a stick. A very long stick. 50 feet, perhaps.

To make matters worse, when I came back from my two day trip on the Sunday afternoon, it was announced that Bentley had unveiled a luxury SUV.

I haven’t spoken personally to Mr Wolfgang Duerheimer, CEO of Bentley, but I bet you he’s keeping his phone off because he knows I’m itching to shout at him.

It isn’t an unattractive car (well, maybe the back looks like a ten foot tall Arnarge) but it goes against the idea of a proper Bentley, something I discussed a few weeks ago.

How many people do you know who say “Yes, if I ever bought a luxury car for £100,000, I’d walk past the Aston Martin Vantage, the Porsche 911 (the new one, at that) and the Ferrari F430 and get a Bentley that’s fuel bill could equal that of the Greek deficit” ?

What’s more, the idea that it’s the only luxury SUV is laughable; none other would quite have the craftsmanship, but in terms of luxury you could buy a Porsche Cayenne, Audi Q7 or BMW X5. All have leather, sat-nav and other bits and bobs to make your life pleasant.

Mr Duerheimer has said that the car will only be built if the reception at Geneva is a positive one, so if I were you I’d stay as far away from the Bentley stand as I will from donkeys.

Seán Ward