How the Observer nearly lost a man in car park maze

Guiding a ton-and-a-half of metal into various diversions and dead ends at Glyne Gap lacks the romance of strolling arm-in-arm with a sweetheart through the privet labyrinths of Hampton Court.

Contractors have fenced-off perhaps one third of the spaces right in the centre of the car park, blocking the main road out and various access routes to shops at the Tesco end. They are realigning the parking spaces at 90 degrees to the existing layout.

To allow traffic to flow 'freely' in and out they have created a frankly-baffling system of diversions, one-way flows and new give way junctions.

Shoppers beware, it may seem fairly straightforward getting in, but that ice cream could be well and truly melted by the time you find your way back to the Glyne Gap roundabout.

Navigating my way to Tesco was fairly uneventful. There were ample parking spaces around the store and it was but a minor disappointment to be told they had sold out of my brand of cigarettes.

Then came the confusing bit. After five laps of the remaining car park, four dead ends, three choice swearwords, two sudden brakes and one near-miss with a Nissan Micra, I resigned myself to the fact I may never leave Ravenside Retail Park.

At last I swallowed my pride and asked one of the car park contractors to shepherd me out - a deeply imasculating experience. My rescuer told me: "Don't worry, you're not the first."

I'm still not sure exactly what escape route I took but no doubt after a few more visits we will all become more familiar with the set-up. We've got until August after all.

And if it helps me quite smoking, I'm willing to give it a try.