Duncan Barkes: Please, cover up...

I LOVE flesh! Ideally, roasted, grilled or griddled, accompanied by a buttery sauce and a stonking glass of red wine.

Columnist Duncan Barkes shares his views
Columnist Duncan Barkes shares his views

However, flesh on the beach or the high street is an entirely different matter, and one that needs to be urgently addressed as temperatures start to rise.

Two recent incidents are timely reminders of why the majority should remain covered up when the sun comes out.

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Adventure Island in Southend is an amusement park of the old school – imagine a slightly larger version of Harbour Park in Littlehampton. Funfair rides, ice cream and candy floss, all just a stone’s throw from the beach. The Essex-based attraction has introduced a ‘Wear Your Shirt’ rule, which bans men from taking their tops off – a habit that is triggered by the faintest hint of sunshine. Signs stating the ban have been put up and staff will politely challenge customers who refuse to comply. Management at Adventure Island say the rule is in place to maintain family standards and to ensure male customers show some decorum. Quite right!

There is nothing worse than the sight of a mountain of naked glistening male belly wobbling towards you as you’re eating your 99 with a flake poking out the top.

The type of man who whips his top off when the sun has got his hat on is usually the kind of fellow who would be doing the rest of humanity a favour if he did the opposite and put on plenty of layers.

I am large chap who has spent many years investing heavily in his girth.

When I laugh, my chins wobble. I am developing a chest that will soon be the envy of Samantha Fox.

As a result, I would never inflict my bulk on an unsuspecting public, even during a heat wave, and I do not see why other men cannot exercise similar restraint.

Women are also being asked to cover up.

An employee of Disneyland in California recently challenged a buxom visitor with too much cleavage on display for a family theme park. I pondered on whether there can ever be too much cleavage on display from the female form, but having looked at the pictures of the woman in question, I reckon that Mickey’s Decency Police were spot on.

You do not want your trip to see Donald, Pluto and the gang eclipsed – possibly literally – by someone whose chest looks like Snow White’s seven little mates fighting in a sack.

Some forecasters predict a stretch of decent weather later this year.

If you are inclined to expose as much flesh as possible, please remember that most of us do not want your heaving mass inflicted upon us. It might be big, but it sure isn’t clever.

Agree or disagree with Duncan, or want to share your own views? Email your views to [email protected] herald.co.uk, [email protected] herald.co.uk or [email protected], or comment below.