LAUREN BRAVO Can YOU help me find out this song’s name?

Ahem. “Dum dum, do-do-duuuuh duuhh duhhh”. No? You must know it! “Dum dum, do-do-duuuuh duuhh duhhh”. Seriously?

Come on. “Do-DO-duuuuh duuUUH” – oh I give up. I’ve spent hours scouring the whole internet for this song.

I’ve hummed it into a Shazam app, whistled it to my flatmates and sung it down the phone to my mother, but all have failed to identify it.

My boyfriend and I heard it in a restaurant and, in a move of predictable lethargy that we’ve regretted ever since, didn’t ask who was singing it.

We think it might be glam rock. It sounds a bit like Slade, but definitely isn’t Slade.

Although while on the hunt for the song, I’ve rediscovered just how much I love Slade – aside from a flagrant disregard for spelling I can only assume slipped under the taste radar in the 70s because everyone was so zonked on Blue Nun – they had some really solid tunes.

Coz I Luv You; Everyday; the one that was on the advert for Fiat.

Slade are for life, folks, not just for Christmas.

Back to the song hunt – we thought it might have been Kiss, but it isn’t.

We thought it might have been any of the related artists that Spotify points you to from Kiss, and spend a full two hours clicking through them on a musical breadcrumb trail.

But it isn’t. Later we begin to think it might not be glam rock at all. It sounds a bit like the chorus from John Lennon’s Instant Karma, so maybe it could be an elusive Beatles song that we somehow managed not to hear during the last 24 years.

It would help if we knew any of the words, or more than two bars of the tune. As someone who spends half her life frantically whistling music for others to identify, this has become my Everest.

Eventually, we begin to think it perhaps doesn’t exist at all.

Maybe we wrote it together in our heads – in which case, we should probably book ourselves some studio time pronto and lay this baby down, because it’s going to be massive.

Bigger than Slade, even.

Basically, this has been a roundabout, 500-word way of asking: do YOU know what the song is?

And if so, could you tell me before I flip and punch through a wall or something? Ta.