Fairlight Village Voice

Tomorrow, Saturday 29th, brings us the magnificent, irresistible, and inevitably sticky-fingered Advent Christmas Craft and Cake Fair at St PETER’S, running from 10 am to 3 pm, with free admission, because Christmas miracles are, in fact, real. Expect cakes aplenty, enough, frankly, to structurally support a modest cathedral, alongside ceramics, artwork, textiles, jewellery, sculptures, candles and cards, as well as all manner of handcrafted delights created by local people with far more patience (and far tidier homes) than the rest of us. There will also be a “Grand Raffle,” which will almost certainly be won by that one person who insists they “never win anything.”

In other church news, last week’s memorial services at St ANDREW’S and St LAURENCE raised £90 and £91 respectively for the Royal British Legion, a grand total and a surprisingly tense finish. Well done to both congregations; gold stars for everyone.

And now the plot thickens. Because this is a fifth Sunday of the month, various local congregations will gather for a combined service. This time, St ANDREW’S will be hosting the Benefice Service at 10:30 am. It’s an excellent chance to catch up with people you only ever see when there are five Sundays. The service will be Holy Communion and will mark the start of Advent. Meanwhile, PETT METHODIST CHAPEL will be holding its 10:45 am Advent Sunday service, led by the wonderful Jill Sayers, who will presumably bring order, joy, and possibly biscuits.

On Monday, December 1st, members of the GARDENING CLUB will gather in the village hall at 2:30 pm for their final meeting of the year. Yes, the last one. Do try to contain your sorrow. This month’s riveting theme? Festive decorations! So dust off your holly, polish your ivy, and guard those red berries with your life, someone will absolutely try to pocket them “for inspiration.”

Speaking of the Gardening Club, their beloved trading hut has officially closed for the winter. Well… the first bit of winter. Apparently, in Fairlight, winter lasts a neat eight weeks, a bold meteorological stance for a village that once cancelled a fete because the wind “felt unfriendly.” Regardless, the hut will reopen on Saturday, January 17th, assuming all volunteers complete their seasonal hibernation. Should they fail to emerge, please don’t poke them with sticks; they may simply have agreed to ignore winter entirely and reconvene in spring.

But wait, it seems the Gardening Club is no longer the village’s only festive foliage powerhouse. STONELYNX ORGANICS has launched its own Christmas-wreath workshop, wherein brave participants will venture into the wild winter countryside to forage for nature’s finest offerings: leaves, berries, twigs, and anything else not nailed down. These will be transformed into elegant, entirely natural wreaths. No plastic, no wires, no side-eye from Mother Nature. If this sounds like your cup of tea, book your place for December 6th via their website. The workshop welcomes anyone aged four or older, though all children must bring a responsible adult, arguably the hardest requirement of all.

Meanwhile, THE COVE continues its relentlessly bustling schedule, doing more for local nightlife than the rest of East Sussex combined. First up is its ever-popular Vinyl Night on Tuesday, 2nd December, from 7 pm to 9:30 pm. Expect the usual: people insisting they always preferred vinyl, and at least one bloke explaining that the crackling sound is “warmth, not dust.” The week after, on Tuesday the 9th, comes their triumphant Quiz Night, where teams will once again battle for a bar tab generous enough to keep even the thirstiest seasonal drinkers content.

As every regular to The Cove knows, the kitchen is closed on Tuesdays, a bold strategy for one of their busiest nights, but fear not. Culinary salvation comes in the form of the Belle Buono mobile pizza van, parked outside from 4 pm to 8 pm. Nothing says gourmet dining quite like ordering a pizza in the freezing dark and then deciding whether to eat it in the pub or march home with it like a carb-laden trophy. Either way, Belle Buono has become a village favourite because, frankly, it involves cheese and we cannot all be expected to cook every night.

If your NHS hearing aids have been hinting they’d quite like a holiday tune-up, perhaps by whistling helpfully in public or consuming batteries as if they were canapés, rejoice! Next Friday, 5th December, the lovely folk from EAST SUSSEX HEARING (ESH, for those in the know) will make their final village-hall visit of the year, from 10 am to 12 noon. They’ll tune, tweak, clean, de-crumb (you know who you are), and generally pamper your hearing aids within an inch of their tiny electronic lives. Think of it as their Christmas spa day. Mark your calendars, bring your devices, and let the festive hearing commence.

And now: news that will surprise only those who haven’t looked out their window since 2019. SOUTHERN WATER, yes, that Southern Water, is returning to our humble village to continue its archaeological expedition through our ageing sewage network. At this rate, they’re bound to uncover a Roman villa, three Anglo-Saxon spoons, and at least one Victorian plumber who vanished mysteriously. Having completed their tour of Lower Waites Lane, the high-vis cavalry now moves on to Waites Lane, Knowle Road, Commanders Walk, Stock Dale, and pretty much any road ending in “–way.” So if your street name implies a direction, congratulations: you’re an exclusive stop on the Southern Water Magical Mystery Tour. They assure us we are their “top priority” and that they will work “quickly and quietly,” which is adorable. They also insist there will be no service impact, allegedly, though you will certainly notice roaming herds of high-vis workers. Some may knock on your door, particularly if they need to lift a manhole on your property. Fear not, they promise to announce themselves before emerging like Victorian spectres from the underworld. Expect cones. Expect signs. Expect enough temporary road furniture for us to apply for theme-park status. There is even a rumour the Parish Council may festoon the cones with Christmas lights in a bid for that elusive “Westfield Vibe,” because nothing says seasonal cheer quite like illuminated sewage works. Southern Water apologise in advance for any disruption, a sentence they’ve probably copy-and-pasted more times than we’ve had hot dinners. Work begins Monday, December 1st, and continues until Friday, January 9th. What better way to welcome the new year than with traffic chaos and a faint aroma of drainage?

As the weather turns colder, don’t forget that the wonderful team at DISH is on hand every Monday with hearty food, lively conversation, and, crucially, tea and biscuits. Bookings are now open for this year’s Christmas Cracker Lunch, which is completely free, though donations are always appreciated. Rumour has it Father Christmas himself might drop by. More info on this next week, but in the meantime, pop along, keep warm, and enjoy the community spirit that DISH brings each week.

Finally, in a dazzling display of bare-minimum governance, our somewhat depleted PARISH COUNCIL held its monthly meeting last Tuesday, inconveniently (or conveniently, depending on your perspective) one day too late for this week’s illustrious publication. For those who enjoy edge-of-your-seat civic drama, the “highlights” are available on YouTube. And fear not: I would never let our councillors escape the gentle glow of my commentary. My quill is sharpened, my notes are scathing-but-loving, and next week’s instalment awaits.

Until then, have a wonderful week.

Bob Scattergood - [email protected]